Today's topic of discussion deals with the good girl/bad girl images we talked about in class over the past couple weeks. We determined that the "good" girl was one who was always put together, blond, existing only to serve her man, usually stayed at home, and most IMPORTANTLY she never had sex...especially never with anyone except her husband. Well, here in 2010, I believe that these expectations have changed drastically in the sense that sex before marriage seems to be less taboo and more widely accepted...not that we totally take this behavior out of the "bad" girl category. So, are the implications of good/bad girl different now? Or, are there just more and more "bad" girls? I mean, this always happened right? We just never talked openly about it...and we still really don't.
We follow specific rules of playing "the game" (see previous post) so that we don't screw up the relationship too early. But what are the rules? People are so complex and see the world through so many different lenses that it seems almost impossible to simply follow a set of prescriptions and badda bing badda BOOM - a relationship has formed! It formed because you have done everything exactly right and did nothing to screw it up. The weird thing is, I know people that give it up on the first night and have ended up in a relationship. On the other hand, I know people who have given it up wayyyyy too early and everyone knows "nobody wants to buy the cow if you're giving away the milk for free." Ultimately, I think it depends on the individual. Stafford and Canary (1991) created a list of 5 maintenance behaviors that individuals use to maintain their romantic relationships: [1] positivity, [2] openness, [3] assurances, [4] social networks, and [5] task sharing. I feel that these same maintenance behaviors are used to initiate relationships. We like to make people feel good about themselves with positivity and encouragement, we are open with people when we hope for reciprocity, we tell those we care about that everything will be okay even when everything sucks, we enjoy being around other people that are important to the person were dating or trying to date, and we like to help the other person out when they need it or just to be kind. But, even if we engage in all of these behaviors, will having sex too early ruin the relationship? If you ask a man about women who have sex extremely early in a relationship, they will typically tell you that they lose respect for them very quickly. Though we talk about the "bad" girl being the epitome of every man's fantasy, it is ironic that these behaviors seem to represent nothing that a man respects and wants for the long hull. So then, as a woman, do I do it or do I not? Should I be worried that if I sleep with a man too soon that I have sealed my fate? And what justifies "too soon?" The first night? The first week? The first month? What's the answer? Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man suggests that women should wait 3 months before giving it up. Is that long enough? Is that too long? The answer is: I have NO idea.
What I do know is if waiting gives me the respect I deserve...then waiting it will be.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
In it to win it...
After a two hour conversation I had with one of my good girlfriends earlier tonight, I realized that we, men and women, constantly play "the game" with one another. Whether you refer to it as the chase, playing hard to get, inconsistent rewards...whatever you call it...it is these perverse games we play that make dating so complicated. Why not be direct? Why not just say what you mean and do what you say? My theory is because, as humans, we are always attracted to new things and need something to keep our attention. Perhaps it is because we are never 100% sure of what we want out of life, and more specifically, out of our romantic relationships. This game is just a fun distraction that provides us with an out when things don't end up the way we envisioned.
Wolfram Shultz, who conducted an experiment on monkeys and their dopamine neuron levels when they received consistent v. inconsistent rewards of juice, made some interesting discoveries. The monkeys always receiving the juice after the prompted noise eventually acquired a loss in dopamine neurons firing, until they stopped firing at all. The monkeys receiving inconsistent rewards, however, continued to have intense rushes of dopamine (ultimately making them very happy) because they never knew when they were going to be rewarded. Why does this science experiment have anything to do with relationships you ask? Well...I believe there is a strong connection here in the sense that we play these games and find ways to keep people interested by being the guy or girl that is hard to get, available "sometimes" but not all the time, and we give a little, expecting some in return, and we wait a little to see how things play out. I wonder how things would work out if we just decided to say to ourselves, "ok. I am into him/her and am curious about where it will go. I will be up front about it and that way there will be no confusion on where I stand." Doesn't that sound ideal? I mean...who doesn't value honesty? Sadly, this directness will most likely lead to boredom if we reflect back on Shultz's study. I am assuming when we play these games it is simply to keep ourselves and others interested and excited about the relationship. There is no arguing with human nature I suppose.
I have personally been a victim of "the game." I, evidently, do not know how to play to win. Does anyone have instructions because that would be super? I spent almost 6 years in a relationship and that was all I knew for a very long time. I did not become "available" again (I am not much of a fan of the word "single", too many Friday nights spent watching Bridget Jones' Diary will do that to a girl) until I began graduate school last fall. I fell for someone, who did not fall for me. If anything, I consistently felt 2 inches tall with him. I do hope that men realize that thinking they do not have bad intentions does not mean they are doing nothing wrong. Novel concept, I know. The good news is, it seems that having someone else to peak your interest takes attention away from another. The vicious cycle, however, continues. I am interested in someone else who, over the past month or so, has shown genuine interest through his nonverbal communication with me. I began to reciprocate by acting in a similar way when around him. The past 2 days, however, have seemed to tell a different story. The genuine interest seems to have faded, not much affection, and even some awkward run-ins where conversation doesn't feel right. Thus...I wait...I wait like a monkey in a lab that is starving for juice. And, should I receive such juice in a timely fashion...I shall wait again.
Wolfram Shultz, who conducted an experiment on monkeys and their dopamine neuron levels when they received consistent v. inconsistent rewards of juice, made some interesting discoveries. The monkeys always receiving the juice after the prompted noise eventually acquired a loss in dopamine neurons firing, until they stopped firing at all. The monkeys receiving inconsistent rewards, however, continued to have intense rushes of dopamine (ultimately making them very happy) because they never knew when they were going to be rewarded. Why does this science experiment have anything to do with relationships you ask? Well...I believe there is a strong connection here in the sense that we play these games and find ways to keep people interested by being the guy or girl that is hard to get, available "sometimes" but not all the time, and we give a little, expecting some in return, and we wait a little to see how things play out. I wonder how things would work out if we just decided to say to ourselves, "ok. I am into him/her and am curious about where it will go. I will be up front about it and that way there will be no confusion on where I stand." Doesn't that sound ideal? I mean...who doesn't value honesty? Sadly, this directness will most likely lead to boredom if we reflect back on Shultz's study. I am assuming when we play these games it is simply to keep ourselves and others interested and excited about the relationship. There is no arguing with human nature I suppose.
I have personally been a victim of "the game." I, evidently, do not know how to play to win. Does anyone have instructions because that would be super? I spent almost 6 years in a relationship and that was all I knew for a very long time. I did not become "available" again (I am not much of a fan of the word "single", too many Friday nights spent watching Bridget Jones' Diary will do that to a girl) until I began graduate school last fall. I fell for someone, who did not fall for me. If anything, I consistently felt 2 inches tall with him. I do hope that men realize that thinking they do not have bad intentions does not mean they are doing nothing wrong. Novel concept, I know. The good news is, it seems that having someone else to peak your interest takes attention away from another. The vicious cycle, however, continues. I am interested in someone else who, over the past month or so, has shown genuine interest through his nonverbal communication with me. I began to reciprocate by acting in a similar way when around him. The past 2 days, however, have seemed to tell a different story. The genuine interest seems to have faded, not much affection, and even some awkward run-ins where conversation doesn't feel right. Thus...I wait...I wait like a monkey in a lab that is starving for juice. And, should I receive such juice in a timely fashion...I shall wait again.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Last semester, I enjoyed writing a paper analyzing the portrayal of the Banks family from the sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to show how they have broken the stereotypical mold of the African-American family. Everything about their life style seems to be "white', but Will joins the family and shakes things up. After reading Shirley Carlson's article, it took me back to all of that research and how we portray culture. I recently searched for a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode on YouTube in which 'Vivian' auditions for a dance company. As an African-American, older, woman she was criticized for auditioning for the quartet. Not surprisingly, the two girls giving her hell about it were white, though there were other African-American individuals in the audition. The link to the clip (great episode, by the way) is below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB25Nb24vdM&feature=related
This got me thinking of how, and in my recent post I mention, that the media continues to portray women as aggressive and "cat fighting" all of the time. According to these images, we are divided by culture and usually fight amongst one another. Unfortunately, it is episodes of shows like Fresh Prince that attempt to bring to light all that we are doing wrong in how we treat one another in society. Unfortunately, in my opinion, I think it simply creates further problems. I suppose TV would not be as entertaining if it consistently demonstrated what the CORRECT way is to treat one another. Very sad, though :(
My point was proven further when I typed the word "women" into the YouTube search box. Here is the pre-constructed search list that popped up:
women wrestling
women drivers
women giving birth to a baby in hospital
women wrestling in bathing suits
women fighting in public
and my personal favorite... women having sex in bed without clothes with other women.
I mean....REALLY?? Not sounding too great for us women if these are the most popular search links!
When I typed in "men" it resulted in a variety of "men at work" phrases.
Now, I realize that things have changed over the years. Prime example is Barbie...let's see how she has evolved since the 1950's...
This is Barbie in 1959. The picture up top is "Teacher Barbie"...it is a 2010 version of Barbie. HHmmm...does Barbie have to be a teacher? Or a secretary? Seems like were not too far from 1959 after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB25Nb24vdM&feature=related
This got me thinking of how, and in my recent post I mention, that the media continues to portray women as aggressive and "cat fighting" all of the time. According to these images, we are divided by culture and usually fight amongst one another. Unfortunately, it is episodes of shows like Fresh Prince that attempt to bring to light all that we are doing wrong in how we treat one another in society. Unfortunately, in my opinion, I think it simply creates further problems. I suppose TV would not be as entertaining if it consistently demonstrated what the CORRECT way is to treat one another. Very sad, though :(
My point was proven further when I typed the word "women" into the YouTube search box. Here is the pre-constructed search list that popped up:
women wrestling
women drivers
women giving birth to a baby in hospital
women wrestling in bathing suits
women fighting in public
and my personal favorite... women having sex in bed without clothes with other women.
I mean....REALLY?? Not sounding too great for us women if these are the most popular search links!
When I typed in "men" it resulted in a variety of "men at work" phrases.
Now, I realize that things have changed over the years. Prime example is Barbie...let's see how she has evolved since the 1950's...
This is Barbie in 1959. The picture up top is "Teacher Barbie"...it is a 2010 version of Barbie. HHmmm...does Barbie have to be a teacher? Or a secretary? Seems like were not too far from 1959 after all.
This is 'Cher' barbie from the 1970's -- just thought this one was neat.
But here is how Barbie is typically portrayed:
I would say this is a smidgen less clothing than the 1959 bather!
And last, but DEFINITELY, not least...I stumbled across this...
Is there no happy medium that provides an image of what the typical woman's size is? Which, I believe, is around size 14.
I'll leave you to your own judgment about this image of Barbie, but I have some BIG problems with this (no pun intended).
"I hate to say it...but it's a lost cause"
I was at the bowling alley last night, bowling poorly (as usual) while the one other girl aside from me and 4 male friends of mine were doing exceptionally well. They were bowling strikes left and right, or at least easily picking up the spare. I, however, continued to watch my perfectly turquoise colored ball roll gracefully into the gutter...over and over again. The boys gave me tips throughout the game: "let go of the ball from a straight angle!", "stand more to the right", etc. Finally, one of the guys we were with said to the group, "I hate to say it, but I think it's a lost cause." My girlfriend looked at me and said, "Isn't it sad, not that you're losing, but that you're expected to because you're a girl?"
I spent some time letting that question roll around in my mind. It made me think of Gil and Vazquez's (1997) piece about expected roles of the Latina woman. Do these harsh demands and familial expectations go beyond cultural values? Is it just the way of the world? And, unfortunately, in my opinion I am afraid they do. It seems that we, as women, are expected to do "boy" things poorly. If we are crappy in sports, it's expected. If we can't fix our cars, it's expected. If we can't lift a heavy box, it's expected. If we can't old our liquor, it's expected. I could potentially go on forever, but I won't. It is not that these unfortunate roles have stumbled upon us as women, like a set of strict societal laws we can't overcome. Instead, I propose that we reinforce such roles and expectations every single day. Television and movies continue to perpetuate this cycle, as well. Today, I walked outside to find my car had been broken into. The dirty thieves cut my battery wires, assuming I had an alarm to protect my 12" speaker behind my passenger seat. That must have been what they saw, because my 2002 Dodge Ram pickup doesn't exactly look like a desirable vehicle to break into. In the process of stealing my valuables, they sure did do a job on old Sam (Sam is the name of my truck...yes, I am perpetuating the cycle by naming my truck after a prominently male name). In any case, I immediately called my brother-in-law, assuming, as a man, he would know how to repair my battery. He did, and I am so grateful. But I realized that I, without thinking twice, began to scan through my mental file folder of the men in my life that I could call. After watching the process of welding the wires of my battery back together, I decided that it was not that tough of a task after all. I am now devoted to learning how to fix such "car-like" problems.
Behm-Morawirz and Mastro (2008) examined portrayals of women in teen movies and discovered that these movies (e.g. Mean Girls, Bring it On, Clueless, Save the Last Dance, etc.) promoted negative stereotypes of women, specifically dealing with gender roles and female behavior in friendships. Apparently, women are seen as much more aggressive than their male counter-parts. This finding disturbed me, considering we seem to value men as the strong, aggressive type in our society. So, it's okay for men, but not for women? Are we always supposed to be seen as weak, clueless (about cars and the like) individuals that need men to balance us out and carry us through the trials and tribulations of this life? I don't really think so. However, our consistent use of placing females in such stereotypical roles only perpetuates the "reality" that we have constructed all on our own. Can we break the tradition? Will we ever get to a point of equality? Probably not. And that's okay. The only conclusion I can draw from these unfortunate pressures and unrealistic images is that applauding those who break the mold is an important component in our constant struggle to break the chains of traditional female roles.
I spent some time letting that question roll around in my mind. It made me think of Gil and Vazquez's (1997) piece about expected roles of the Latina woman. Do these harsh demands and familial expectations go beyond cultural values? Is it just the way of the world? And, unfortunately, in my opinion I am afraid they do. It seems that we, as women, are expected to do "boy" things poorly. If we are crappy in sports, it's expected. If we can't fix our cars, it's expected. If we can't lift a heavy box, it's expected. If we can't old our liquor, it's expected. I could potentially go on forever, but I won't. It is not that these unfortunate roles have stumbled upon us as women, like a set of strict societal laws we can't overcome. Instead, I propose that we reinforce such roles and expectations every single day. Television and movies continue to perpetuate this cycle, as well. Today, I walked outside to find my car had been broken into. The dirty thieves cut my battery wires, assuming I had an alarm to protect my 12" speaker behind my passenger seat. That must have been what they saw, because my 2002 Dodge Ram pickup doesn't exactly look like a desirable vehicle to break into. In the process of stealing my valuables, they sure did do a job on old Sam (Sam is the name of my truck...yes, I am perpetuating the cycle by naming my truck after a prominently male name). In any case, I immediately called my brother-in-law, assuming, as a man, he would know how to repair my battery. He did, and I am so grateful. But I realized that I, without thinking twice, began to scan through my mental file folder of the men in my life that I could call. After watching the process of welding the wires of my battery back together, I decided that it was not that tough of a task after all. I am now devoted to learning how to fix such "car-like" problems.
Behm-Morawirz and Mastro (2008) examined portrayals of women in teen movies and discovered that these movies (e.g. Mean Girls, Bring it On, Clueless, Save the Last Dance, etc.) promoted negative stereotypes of women, specifically dealing with gender roles and female behavior in friendships. Apparently, women are seen as much more aggressive than their male counter-parts. This finding disturbed me, considering we seem to value men as the strong, aggressive type in our society. So, it's okay for men, but not for women? Are we always supposed to be seen as weak, clueless (about cars and the like) individuals that need men to balance us out and carry us through the trials and tribulations of this life? I don't really think so. However, our consistent use of placing females in such stereotypical roles only perpetuates the "reality" that we have constructed all on our own. Can we break the tradition? Will we ever get to a point of equality? Probably not. And that's okay. The only conclusion I can draw from these unfortunate pressures and unrealistic images is that applauding those who break the mold is an important component in our constant struggle to break the chains of traditional female roles.
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